Updated: Dec 24, 2018
I am a runner. I run because I can. I am grateful for legs that carry me for miles, for a heart that keeps pumping step after step and for a mind that tells me I can do this. I love when the run ends because I know I accomplished another goal, another mile, another milestone.
I am a dancer. I’ve always been a dancer even before my first step, my first cha-cha, my first salsa. I’ve felt a connection with every dancer I’ve ever seen. I must have been a dancer in a past life. I remember being mad at my mom because she didn’t give me ballet lessons growing up. It doesn’t matter though, I am a dancer.
"I didn’t care what time it was, it didn’t matter what was coming next, only this moment of movement mattered."
I’m in love with dancing. I dance because I want to, I dance because I can, but mostly I dance because I have to. Dancing, quite simply, makes me happy. Pure happiness, uncompromising happiness, non-judgmental happiness. Dancing gave meaning to “living in the moment” for me. All the self-help books that tell you to live in the moment – I had no idea what that meant until I danced. Until I realized I didn’t care what time it was, it didn’t matter what was coming next, only this moment of movement mattered. Then the next moment and the next. One at a time with no regard for what was before or what was coming after. This was one of those true ‘aha’ times in my life, when I realized, spinning in the middle of that dance floor, that only this spin mattered and I let it carry me to the next spin and the next until it led me to another beautiful movement where my body glided across the floor with grace and rhythm and joy. I realized I was, at last, living in the moment.
Being diagnosed with breast cancer was also one of those moments. Nothing existed except those four words, you have breast cancer, and the world stopped. There was nothing before and nothing to come – just that moment of disbelief, shock, numbness. All these moments aren’t necessarily good ones. This was just a different dance.
Living in the moment was always an abstract concept to me. I couldn’t grasp the meaning, although I had unknowingly done it before. Skiing down a beautiful white slope with nothing in front of me except for wide open spaces. I lived in that moment the entire way down. Lying on the bed with this incredible man talking, laughing, kissing. Not caring if the laundry was done or dinner was cooking. Being there in that moment with him was all there was. I lived and loved in those moments. I just didn’t know I was doing it at the time.
My life was always so caught up in hoping the next moment would be better than the one I was in that I didn’t take time to realize how great life actually was if only I’d stopped to breathe. To be aware. To acknowledge. To be grateful.
We must stop to breathe. Breath is life. Life is the dance. We all must dance, whatever that is for you, we need the dance. We need that love of something that transcends us, we need that place where nothing else matters, we need a passion in our lives that makes us forget the world even if only for a few moments. An escape from reality – it’s always waiting for us so why not take a break and live in your own moment.
I love the way Garth put it – “I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”
For me The Dance is quite literally, The Dance. It’s also my life, which although painful at times, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. My kids are The Dance – grateful beyond any words that these two perfect human beings are mine. My family is The Dance, my friends, my job, my house, the food I eat, the air I breathe, all The Dance. Breast cancer – also The Dance. I could have missed that pain but I would have missed knowing me, finding my strengths, sharing my life, making a difference and realizing how truly, completely blessed I am. I have discovered unknown joy, hidden passions, extraordinary love. Born of pain, perhaps. I wouldn’t be me without it though.
There is no way to always miss the bad stuff. There is a way to see the bad as a vessel to the good, to turn the pain to triumph, to make the next moment as fabulous as the last. Our lives are not completely left to chance, we have choices to make and doors to open. Some pain may be inevitable. We can’t have all the answers before the questions are even asked. The sun comes up every day though, turning darkness into light. Celebrate your life! Every day you open your eyes is a good one! Jump out of bed, turn up the music and dance!