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  • Writer's pictureCaren Siegler

It's Me

Has anyone ever said to you, “It’s me, it isn’t you”? The quintessential break up line. I’m not sure if anyone ever believes it, but it’s kinder than the truth. It’s easier than being honest. And it’s usually not what’s so, yet we all pretend that it is. What if, and it’s a really small what if, but…what if it really is me? What if It’s ME, It ISN’T You?

OMG, could this really be true? Is it ME? Is it even possible. Let me think about this…wow, it might be…. I think it could be…. Yes, it really could be me!

It’s Me hitting send too soon. It’s Me speaking without taking a breath first. It’s Me wishing for a do over. It’s Me knowing now what I didn’t know then. It’s Me – I could have done it better and kinder, more compassionately and with a different outcome. It is Me.

I’ve always considered myself a person with few regrets. I beat dead horses to make sure there wasn’t one more chance or one last opportunity for another breath. I knock and knock thinking if I just do it harder, someone will magically appear on the other side of the door and open it. The words “I’m sorry” flow easily from my lips because I know when I’m wrong and I have to apologize. Somehow, though, I convinced myself it was you, I am doing everything I can, it’s got to be you. I got really good at believing this.

"Even when it's not me, even when it's blatantly you, I think it could still be me."

Even when it’s not me, even when it’s blatantly you, I think it could still be me. Perhaps I could have responded instead of reacted and not felt bad later on. Perhaps I should have taken a step back and counted to ten. Or reread that text to make sure it’s what I really wanted to say. Even provoked by you, I cannot control what you do or say. I can only control myself. I am responsible for my actions, for the things I say and do, for the pain or sadness or anger I caused in another. I am responsible for me and I am and should be better than that.

It was you, however, who opened the door, who took that last breath against all odds and who let me in again. It was you who saw my potential when I did not, who saw greatness in me when I felt defeated, who didn’t give up on me even when I almost gave up on myself. It was you who made me want to have a second chance and prove you right.

It was you who loved me when I was not very lovable. It was you who was patient when I was exasperated. It was you who saw the possibilities when I saw none and you wouldn’t let me walk away. It was you who made me recognize that I am not always right, that it’s not always only about what I want, that life is a compromise and takes teamwork. It was you who awakened something better in me.

It was You. And You. And You . Dozens of ‘Yous’ in a lifetime of Me. And I am grateful and blessed and truly amazed that my life is filled with all of you who love me and support me and want me in your lives. It is so easy to take things like this for granted or not acknowledge the wonderful humans who surround us. I am sorry for those I lost because I didn’t recognize it was not them. I will promise not to allow that to happen again and to cherish the relationships I have and will have in my future.

It only takes a few words or a simple action to create that “Aha” moment where the light comes on so brightly that you can’t and don’t want to close your eyes to it anymore. Where you can’t blink and it will be gone. This is such an enormous awakening that I just want to embrace it and scream it to the world that I finally get it! I know it was ME! Thank you for standing by me through the years of pain and blame and scars until it finally sunk in. Thank you for waiting for me. I won’t disappoint you again.

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